HERE'S AN ARCHIVE of your questions and our answers. If you would like to submit a question, please see our question form. While we do not answer every question received, we try to include those that represent a general concern.

Q.

A question about the contents of the book; why do people with my condition "…have no internal model for restraint…"? (see 'self-indulgence' p. 70). As far as I can see the book doesn’t explain WHY this is the case. Nor is there a focused section on how to build a healthy model. This definitely applies to me, and I find myself getting stuck here in combination with getting into the red zone whenever I try to do self-care. So this is important right now and Desert Practice keeps getting thrown off track. | answer

Q.

This book really caught my attention after hearing about it during a radio interview with one of the authors. However, this affliction sounds a lot like co-dependency. Co-dependents Anonymous has been established for years and has meetings world-wide. Additionally, assertiveness training courses for wimps have been around since the dawn of the self-help craze. What makes this book different? | answer

Q.

I consider myself a nice person and have lately been feeling that people do not respect me for it. On the other hand, when it comes to relationships, I was one to speak my mind and this led to a lot of arguments and bad feelings. I decided to change and not argue with men anymore as you just can't get anywhere with it. So what is the answer? I don't find that either way works. | answer

Q.

I've been in the medical field 19 years (x-ray tech) and have been told that I am very good at my profession, but I cannot find that level of confidence in myself. I'm always nervous with difficult patients and blush easily when making mistakes. Is this a part of being anxious to please? | answer

Q.

"Add to that the negative emotions that are evoked in a partner—impatience, judgment, coldness, scorn—"(from your overview page)
What if a nice person working toward recovery is NOT met with these emotions from a partner? Would the nice person then work to elicit these emotions from a (new) partner? Or would the nice person perhaps express these very same emotions toward the partner even? | answer

Q.

My "nice guy" had an affair with his ex-wife for the last 8 years (we've been married for 19 years). He saw her every few months and called her several times a week. He says he doesn't love her—and his therapist says it's the "nice guy" issue. He's read your book and is practicing your 7 steps. BUT, I'm still very angry and hurt at the lies and betrayal. Could the "nice guy" syndrome allow him to do what he did? Should I forgive him? | answer

Q.

I'm just realizing I'm a Nice Person. I don't like the way things are going and I want to change. Where should I start? | answer

Q.

Why do Nice People always seem to get hurt in romantic relationships? | answer

Q.

My wife says that she wishes I was more willing to fight with her. What's up with that? | answer

Q.

I have found that my Nice Guy husband of twenty years has had numerous emotional affairs. He has continually lied about them
and I feel I will never get to the bottom of it. I am wondering if there
is a connection between this behavior and being a Nice Guy, always wanting everybody to like him and keeping up the facade even in the face of the acute trauma of his wife and children? | answer

Q.

Ever since I was a little kid I have always longed for my "soul-mate"
to marry and start a family with. It has always been my #1 goal in life
instead of having a career or doing something amazing with my life.
The problem now is that I am with a really great girl, the kind of girl
who is good for me, a Transforming Person who has big dreams
of making a difference in this world. We are both 20 and in college,
but I find myself planning my life around her. I know she wants to be
with a Transforming Person as well, an individual whose life doesn't
revolve around her, like mine often does. How do I find what my
authentic self really wants, and how do I know when my goals
in life are the unhealthy, Nice Guy part of me talking? | answer